Buyaaaa! Bet you weren't expecting this

Burger-cat moment

Hello ladies, gentlemen and non-gender conforming fellas! how you doin??
I'm doing great, because we are going to talk about food! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I kinda had a real big problem with food... It made me feel disgusting. The guilty taste in my mouth, the self-image that I was a fat pig who could never be good enough, the urge to starve for hours so I could feel good. It reminds me of a quote from a Lana del Rey song, "All I want is to feel good". Because that's what I think about very often, how to feel good at least once. Sometimes its so hard to feel even a little bit happy, and people don't understand. They call me hedonistic for pursuing pleasure, but they already feel good. They already have a good mental health. So they think I'm just being dramatic. But sometimes I spend the whole week not feeling even slightly ok with living, just one suicidal thought after the other. It seems silly, but I would give anything just to be happy. People say they want money, power, glory, friends, but all I want is to feel human, you know? To feel a little bit normal and functional. To keep on going and not having anxiety attacks out of nowhere. To be ok.

And so I blamed food for my problems.

"Of course I'm not happy! I don't weigh 50 kilos yet."
"I feel depressed because I don't look attractive"
"Maybe if I had anorexia people would care about me..."
"I should starve, so I can punish myself. I'm a bad person!"
"I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve good things."

But today, I want to celebrate how good food is, and how I am ok with my body image.

My favourite food is apple pie. I know, very "1950 american dream wife baking" vibe, but it's just my favourite. The amazing smell, fresh apples... I just can't resist it. I think my heart is made of apple pie, cuz that's what I love. I used to be very scared of sugary sweets, including pie, because "It would make me fat and disgusting". But now I realise life is too short to be sad about calories. Along my journey, I learned about balance. Hell no I don't wanna be morbdly obese, neither do I wanna have anorexic tendencies. I just want a healthy body. It doesnt need to be attractive, just healthy. Healthy and normal blood pressure, good muscles, vitamins in my system, good sleep schedule. That's what makes my body good. At the end of the day, it's like Shallon Lester says: confidence is about being fine if people don't like you.

Food is actually very beneficial. When I'm feeling really really sad, eating some chocolate gives me that little boost of calmness and relaxation. Salads really make me feel energetic, also they have a very unique taste. Not a lot of people notice it, but salads are very changable. You can put bacon in it, a multitude of dressings, even pasta or bread or cheese. It's like being a witch, and you can choose all the ingredients for your little potions and spells. Also, making food really helps me socialise. Seeing the hapiness in the eyes of people who eat my brownies is incredible. Very often, hapiness is transmitable. Seeing someone be jolly makes me jolly, because then I feel inspired. Like there is still some kind of good in the world, and we can make our silly little tasks. Food makes us human, doesn't it? When I feel abnormal or weird, I remember that food makes people happy. And when I cook for someone, they are happy with my skill, and not judging me for me past or my sadness.